Storytime
Yes, I may be the expert in child psychology, but you (parents) are the expert of your kid(s).
Yes, I may be the expert in child psychology, but you (parents) are the expert of your kid(s).
Yes, I may be the expert in child psychology, but you (parents) are the expert of your kid(s).
Parents often came to the clinic feeling distressed and helpless: “Please help me managing my child’s behaviour.”, “Please help me figure out what’s going on.” As a paediatric psychologist, I am more than happy to ‘collaborate’ and assist, which means that parents need to be part of the process and help me understanding their kids.
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Parents often came to the clinic feeling distressed and helpless: “Please help me managing my child’s behaviour.”, “Please help me figure out what’s going on.” As a paediatric psychologist, I am more than happy to ‘collaborate’ and assist, which means that parents need to be part of the process and help me understanding their kids.
I always say to the parents: “I ONLY have sufficient skills and training in child psychology and children’s mental health, but YOU are the expert of your little one(s).”
I’ve only met your child ten minutes ago and will only spend the next 10x fifty-minute session with him or her, whereas you, mums and / or dads, have known your baby since the day he or she came into this beautiful world, and will most likely spend the next few decades together. I can provide parents with all the tools that I have, but parents need to go home and fix the house on their own, because I am unable to go to each one of your houses and fix it for you (imagine that!). It is important and crucial for parents to try the skills at home and return to their clinician / therapist with honest and genuine feedback. I often use the analogy of medication: your GP might prescribe you with a certain type of medication to treat the issue / problem, but if you develop an allergic reaction to the medication, you would mostly likely stop using the medication, advise your GP as soon as possible, and ask for an alternative treatment. Same theory applies to psychological intervention, if one model doesn’t work for you or your child, it is important to inform your clinician / therapist and discuss a different approach.
I remember reviewing parenting style with the mother of a very young girl with emotional regulation difficulties. I asked this particular mum what would happen if she simply ignores her daughter’s melt-downs and tantrums, the mum replied immediately: “Oh, that’s not going to work. She once screamed for 3 hours non-stop until when she threw up”. Well, I certainly wouldn’t suggest her, or any parent, to ignore a three hour screaming marathon, but I’d only be able to come to that conclusion after this mother informed me about her daughter’s high level of persistence.
I also once recommended a mum to try and use ‘imagination’ to distract her boy during his ‘lash out’ episodes, and this mum responded: “It might not work, he is not very creative and would probably say it’s not true and escalate the situation.” In this case, imagination is not a good idea then, is it!
Mums and dads, please do not doubt yourself! It is most likely that you know your kid(s) inside out, and YOU are the expert of your child / children. Trust your instinct, and practice what you and your kid(s) learnt during the sessions. Clinicians / therapists are not magicians, most of us don’t have a magic wand (I certainly haven’t one! otherwise I’d be teaching at Hogwarts), therefore, 10x fifty-minute intervention would hardly change much. Revise the new information learnt during each session, complete homework together, and encourage your child / children to practice and master the skills at home and at school / kinder.
Mums and dads, be the ‘co-therapists’ and help the professionals to assist you and your kid(s) to thrive and shine.
* Permission and consent were obtained from the anonymous and unidentifiable parents mentioned in this article.
© amylai 2017
Bond! Bond! Bond! (and no, I don’t mean 007…)
Yes, I may be the expert in child psychology, but you (parents) are the expert of your kid(s).
Yes, I may be the expert in child psychology, but you (parents) are the expert of your kid(s).
Bonding with children, or in any relationship, is extremely important! I often have parents, particularly mums, came to me with a clear and specific goal: “I want to bond with my kid(s) better.” I would inform the parents that I don’t have the magic to create or build that special bond for them, but I certainly have the skills, knowledge,
Bonding with children, or in any relationship, is extremely important! I often have parents, particularly mums, came to me with a clear and specific goal: “I want to bond with my kid(s) better.” I would inform the parents that I don’t have the magic to create or build that special bond for them, but I certainly have the skills, knowledge, and expertise to strength their attachment with kid(s).
Bonding starts from day one, in fact, I personally believe that bonding starts from the day when parents are aware of their baby’s existence. There is never TOO MUCH bonding time. Bonding time is fun and enjoyable; it is not supposed to be ‘another task or chore’ for parents to fill in their hectic days. We don’t need to put a time limit on bonding, eight minutes per day is a great idea, but if we are having fun, bond as long as we like (or as long as we can afford to play).
Bonding time is NOT: completing homework or schoolwork together, doing annoying but unavoidable house chores together; those are BORING! Bonding is meant to be exciting, joyful, and FUN!
Let me share my stories with you…
When I was a little girl, I looked forward to every Saturday and Sunday (yes, they are the weekend but that’s not the reason). Saturday was my special bonding day with my aunty, and Sunday was my special bonding day with my mum. My brother and I were the luckiest children, we were raised and brought up by both our mum and our aunty (mum’s sister); I don’t consider my aunty as my second mum, she is indeed also a mother to me, and bonding time with aunty is as super exciting as with mum. Every Saturday after piano lesson, my aunty would take me to the Saturday market or to our favourite restaurant, then we would go shopping or have a nice walk at the park. On Sundays, my mum would take me out to the park or playground, she would hold my little hands and teach me how to skate, or we would go bike riding, watch a movie, or visit a museum. On raining days, mum would set up my tiny little kiddie desk and we’d make ‘special toys’: art and craft, drawing, painting, origami, you name it! We would also learn the lyrics of my favourite songs and then do a home karaoke together.
Bonding doesn’t have to stop in adulthood. I remember my brother and I would plan special outings with mum and aunty. A few years ago, I took my aunty on a 'date' during my annual leave; we had a lovely brunch in a famous café in CBD, followed by the musical ‘The Lion King’, and finished the day with super fancy ice cream in Fitzroy. My brother once brought my aunty to a popular and expensive pop music concert, and indulged her with some plush Greek cuisine. Special shopping trips with mum (VIP days or EDFY shopping) are my favourite bonding activities (of course!), and watching AFL, or any other sports games with mum, would probably be the time my brother cherished and enjoyed the most.
As the weekend is approaching, why not find some FUN and enjoyable activities and get that bonding going!
© amylai 2017
Self-care: let it be dumplings, massage, chocolate, or manicure!
Yes, I may be the expert in child psychology, but you (parents) are the expert of your kid(s).
Self-care: let it be dumplings, massage, chocolate, or manicure!
Last week must be a ‘full moon’ week; I’ve been trying to remind 90% of my clients about self-care.
Self-care is the key to our mental and physical well-being. Self-care is fairly self-explanatory: care for one’s self (yes, it’s getting a bit mouthful here!).
I am definitely not the best person to advice on self-care, my eating habit can b
Last week must be a ‘full moon’ week; I’ve been trying to remind 90% of my clients about self-care.
Self-care is the key to our mental and physical well-being. Self-care is fairly self-explanatory: care for one’s self (yes, it’s getting a bit mouthful here!).
I am definitely not the best person to advice on self-care, my eating habit can be relatively poor (for those who work with me would know...), and the fact that I’ve worked twelve consecutive days in the last two weeks was also not a great example (guilty as charged!). Having said that, I did have my sleep-in this morning (until 9am, glorious!) and my TV drama marathon planned for the next two days.
Self-care can be categorised into two main areas: physical and psychological.
Physical self-care focuses on activities or routines that help us stay healthy, fit, and strong with age-appropriate energy. Physical self-care may include: sleep hygiene, balanced and healthy diet, regular exercise / workout, and proper (not quick) recovery from illness.
Psychological self-care focuses on two levels: personal and social.
Personal psychological self-care helps us understand and connect with our inner selves in a deeper level (just like ‘Shifu’ in Kung Fu Panda), develop resilience with personalised coping skills, and appropriately engage with and manage challenges or hardships in life. Personal psychological self-care may include: keep a reflective journal (visual diary can be as effective as written journal), fun activities (e.g., hobbies / interests), personalised relaxation regimen, pleasure activities (activities that bring happy hormones or rewarding feelings), spiritual practice (if applicable).
Social psychological self-care allows us to strengthen our relationships or bonding with family and friends, and safely experiencing a full range of emotions within these social connections. Social psychological self-care may include: develop and maintain supportive friendships, be a member of a sports team / a social group, organise work functions with colleagues (not team meeting or training!), arrange regular (or non-regular!) family gatherings.
I’ll share some of my self-care with you → physical self-care: exercise daily for at least 30 minutes; personal psychological self-care: listening to piano / instrumental music at least 20 minutes before bed every night; social psychological self-care: having deep and meaningful coffee breaks with friends or colleagues at least once a week (and no, not case consult or discussion!).
There are no set rules for self-care. Some of the more interesting and fun self-care can be: out for dumplings (super yum!), hair cut / hair colour / hair make-over (one of my favourite!), window shopping and trying on new clothes, manicure / pedicure / beauty salon, video games / online procrastination / Instagram stalking (no, stalking is not recommended! let’s try Insta following…), TV marathon (Game of Thrones?!), golfing / fishing / motorbike riding, or simply sleeping (ahh!).
Why not plan your own self-care program and practice today!
© amylai 2017
You are # totsawes (insert emoji here) and I am happy to work with ya – the importance of connecting with ‘the millennials’ using their language.
You are # totsawes (insert emoji here) and I am happy to work with ya – the importance of connecting with ‘the millennials’ using their language.
You are # totsawes (insert emoji here) and I am happy to work with ya – the importance of connecting with ‘the millennials’ using their language.
I have a temporary tattoo on this week, and one of the young boys commented on it.
“Hey Amy! You have something on your neck!” Kid pointed out excitedly.
“Oh do I? Where? What have I got?” I answered in an exaggerated tone.
“Hold still! Let me see… Oh~ It’s a butterfly tattoo, it’s SO COOL! Is it real?” Kid asked.
“Well, it doesn’t last fo
I have a temporary tattoo on this week, and one of the young boys commented on it.
“Hey Amy! You have something on your neck!” Kid pointed out excitedly.
“Oh do I? Where? What have I got?” I answered in an exaggerated tone.
“Hold still! Let me see… Oh~ It’s a butterfly tattoo, it’s SO COOL! Is it real?” Kid asked.
“Well, it doesn’t last forever. It’s a temporary one. Do you know why I don’t have one that lasts forever?” I replied.
“Um… no. Why?” Kid looked at me curiously.
“Because I change my mind all the time. If I have a temporary one, I can change it as many times as I like, and I can have it anywhere I like. Getting a permanent one that lasts forever would hurt a lot, and you can’t take it out when you don’t want them anymore.” I explained.
“This is SO COOL! You are TOO COOL! I also want to have a temporary tattoo.” Kid danced around the room and announced erratically.
To work (effectively) with children, or adolescents, we adults need to be ‘cool’, and we must ‘get’ them. I am always following the ‘trends’: Peppa Pig, Curious George, Pokemon Go, Paw Patrol, Frozen, Australian Ninja Warrior, DJ Khaled, Despacito, Bella Hadid, Instagram, etc. I watched (almost) every Disney and Pixar cartoon, and try to understand as many ‘tween’ shows about young people’s (love) life as I possibly can. I ‘speak’ their language (e.g., tots, Biebs, bae, cray cray, dip), and I am their ‘cool friend’ (most of the time), instead of ‘that boring, old, and bossy therapist / psychologist’.
My mum is the perfect example of having great connections and interactions with children and young people. In order to communicate with and relate to us kids better, mum knows all about ‘Cousins, Snapchat, tweet, Snoop Dogg, Tom Brady’. My mum and my aunty purchased me those NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spear’s CDs in my teens, and discussed ‘The O.C.’ over dinner with us (yes yes, I am a bit of a fossil!).
On the contrary, there are guys (of my age) that I know of who have not a single clue about Elsa & Anna, Bruno Mars, Selina Gomez, or Ariana Grande. ‘You can hardly make father of the minute if you can’t even connect and engage with your child(ren), yeah? I can already predict your future child(ren) rolling eyes at you.’ I often thought to myself, rolled my eyes, and SMH (aka. shake my head).
One of the greatest ‘tips’ for parents is to ‘be cool’ and to understand your child(ren)’s / adolescent’s life. You don’t have to be their Facebook friend (please don’t stalk… teens hate it!), but spend some time reading about the celebrities / sports teams / TV shows / movies / music / bands that interest your child(ren).
Find that connection to engage with your child(ren). Let it be colouring their favourite cartoon character, listening to the ‘it’ songs / music, or watching that ‘lit’ TV shows together.
Enjoy! Have fun! And be that ‘swaggy’ mum / dad!
* Permission and consent were obtained from the anonymous and unidentifiable child and his parents mentioned in this article.
© amylai 2017
TV TV on the wall, how long should I have you on? – how much screen time is appropriate (if any?!)
You are # totsawes (insert emoji here) and I am happy to work with ya – the importance of connecting with ‘the millennials’ using their language.
You are # totsawes (insert emoji here) and I am happy to work with ya – the importance of connecting with ‘the millennials’ using their language.
One of the most frequently asked questions from parents is: “Should I allow my child(ren) any screen time? If so, what is the appropriate screen time?”. While our high-tech society evolving almost on a daily basis, screen time and technology use have become a massive issue in parenting.
When I was a chirpy toddler, one of my favourite time
One of the most frequently asked questions from parents is: “Should I allow my child(ren) any screen time? If so, what is the appropriate screen time?”. While our high-tech society evolving almost on a daily basis, screen time and technology use have become a massive issue in parenting.
When I was a chirpy toddler, one of my favourite times of the day was TV after dinner with Pa, my maternal grandfather. Pa loves TV, let it be news, sports, dramas, reality shows, quiz shows, travel shows, classic old movies, you name it! Almost every evening after dinner, I’d be sitting next to Pa cuddling up while watching our favourite Japanese Samurai series (no, there was no ‘Code of Practice’ in the 80s), or some funny reality shows. I would then pretend to be one of the warriors and ask Nan to make some sort of costume and paper swords (yes, I was a bit of a tomboy).
‘Did your mother not worry about the violence and aggression portrayed by those shows?’ you may ask. And the answer is, no! Mum was never concerned about the possibility of me turning into a violent or aggressive girl; after all, I was this kid who refused to eat her Mickey Mouse birthday cake (for almost a week) “because I don’t want Mickey to feel pain”, or REALLY wanted to ‘rescue’ and ‘adopt’ every single homeless dog on the street. My mum was very confident that the values she’s been teaching and reminding me since the day I was born: kindness, honesty, humbleness, gratitude, and courage, would not be influenced or affected by some TV shows. And, mum was proven right (as always… ha!). Watching TV with Pa was not so much about the content of the shows, but rather the quality time I spent with Pa and that special connection of sharing the same interest (TV!). I also had precious TV time with Nan in the afternoons, we’d watch ‘The Smurf’, ‘The Jungle Book’, or ‘Candy Candy’, and then we’d draw or paint the characters afterwards (we still watch ‘Curious George’ together now!).
I am certainly not encouraging or promoting any children to watch ‘The Last Samurai’ or ‘300’, and I’d definitely advise parents to ALWAYS follow the current Australian Commercial Television Industry Code of Practice (e.g., G, PG, MA). Watching TV, playing computer / video games, playing with iPad / iPhone / iPod, can be made into activities that could potentially re-build and strengthen bonding and interactions.
Children or adolescents often spend much time ‘online’ with their gadgets to ‘chat with friends’ or ‘watch YouTube’. Unfortunately (and sadly), friendships could be developed and / or maintained via online social sites in today’s world; forbidding or prohibiting your children or adolescents completely from spending time on their gadgets will most likely do nothing good but tarnish your relationship with them.
Here are some ideas for screen time management:
• Set your own screen time rules by scheduling specific time and / or durations for accessing technology: e.g., 30 minutes of screen time after dinner with the choices of TV, tablet, or computer.
• Promote or shape behaviour via positive reinforcement with one of the rewards being additional screen time (young children love this!): e.g., 10x pre-arranged / pre-discussed good behaviour (10x stickers) can be rewarded with 30 minutes of extra screen time.
• Get involve and watch that new TV show or today’s ‘viral’ YouTube video with your child(ren) / adolescents; not only will you be able to know (and control) what they watch, it’s a great bonding time with the activities that your child(ren) enjoy.
Please feel free to email admin@earlylifepsychology.com for further discussion on appropriate screen time.
© amylai 2017
Say no to stereotypes - emotions and feelings have no gender.
You are # totsawes (insert emoji here) and I am happy to work with ya – the importance of connecting with ‘the millennials’ using their language.
Say no to stereotypes - emotions and feelings have no gender.
A very close friend of mine is setting up a marketing project focusing on men’s health – being a medical professional (and a good mate, of course) who works in the health industry for more than two decades, I feel obliged (or more of an urge) to promote men’s mental health.
As a paediatric psychologist, it is evident that the development a
A very close friend of mine is setting up a marketing project focusing on men’s health – being a medical professional (and a good mate, of course) who works in the health industry for more than two decades, I feel obliged (or more of an urge) to promote men’s mental health.
As a paediatric psychologist, it is evident that the development and function of the male's and female’s brains differ from early stages in life – the total brain size of men’s is bigger; a woman’s hippocampus (critical to learning and memorisation) is larger, whereas a man’s amygdala (emotion processing and recollection) is bigger and works differently (Goldman, 2017). In everyday language, gender-based brain lateralisation study concluded that men tend to have a left dominant brain, meaning that male brains often focus on being assertive, logical, analytical, aggressive, striving, projecting, hard and pushing for survival, whereas women are more likely to be right brain dominance, meaning that female brains are more inclined to be creative, delicate, intuitive, nurturing, receptive, tender, surrendering, integrating, soft, feeling, and ‘reach deep into the heart’. Despite the different brain architecture and development, both men and women experience, process, and express feelings one way or another.
A young boy I worked with once said that he felt he has been “bad, because I can’t control my feelings, I can’t control my anger, I can’t control my sad, I can’t control my yelling when I get angry and my crying when I get sad”. I personally dislike the word ‘control’, the contemporary replacement is ‘regulate’ (hence the ‘emotion regulation’), and yet I prefer the word ‘process’. How do boys and men process their feelings and emotions? Are boys and men even ‘allowed’ to process their feelings and emotions without being viewed as a ‘softie’?
The traditional stereotypes of a ‘strong man’ often associate with ‘masculine traits’ such as independent, stoical, competitive, and tough. But here I am, challenging the notion of ‘being strong’.
With years of study and training in physiology (human brain development, neurology, biology), behavioural medicine (human’s behaviour, human’s interaction and relation, sociology), and psychology, I understand and validate the fact that it is a lot more difficult for men to talk about their feelings – the mentality of ‘just get on with it / she’ll be right / could be worse’ more than likely deny their motives to getting help, which then lead to some men feeling emotionally closed off, lonely, and isolated.
How much courage would a man, who struggles to talk about feelings, need when processing his emotions, facing his vulnerabilities, opening up and asking for support and help? And that courage, is being strong!!!
As I often say to my young clients: a healthy mind is not about stop feeling sad or angry (i.e., feeling vulnerable) or always being happy or cheerful (i.e., being positive and ‘strong’); it is about understanding your own emotions and feelings (i.e., insight and reflection), having the courage to share them with someone you trust (i.e., emotional strength to ask for help and support), and developing the ability to express them in appropriate and efficient ways (i.e., emotion regulation).
Let's say no to stereotypes - emotions and feelings have no gender. It is not 'a girl's thing', nor is it 'a boy's thing'; it is a human thing!
* Permission and consent were obtained from the anonymous and unidentifiable child and his parents mentioned in this article.
© amylai 2021